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New Year’s Journal…


It’s 2010 today and I find myself wistful and thinking of loved ones lost.  My heart is heavy and I feel older than I should. 

Pulling popcorn from the microwave, I can’t help but think of Grandma Leona and Grandpa Jack.  And my still living Grandma Dorothy, whom I have not been able to see in over a year.  There is wisdom I’d seek of her, yet I wonder if it would be fair.  It’s a different world with different issues today.  People are not the same.  Things are more complex.  I believe we are better for it, but it does not make it simple.

The weight of the world hurts right now, and crunchy, buttery goodness is hardly a salve.  But hubby is out looking to bring something home and I need something to settle these worrisome butterflies on an empty stomach for now.

Grandpa Chester was afraid to die, unsure of the after-life, and died of pancreatic cancer at 76.  He was the first close loved one I lost.  Whereas Grandpa Jack spent half his 88 years preparing to die.  His father died in his forties and he figured he too would not live much past that age.  It never seemed to me that he worried much about my dad and uncles.  He was serious and critical, but I think that’s how Grandpa saw life after losing his parents at a young age.  Grandma Leona also died of cancers at age 76.  She was so worried to die before my mother, another cancer “survivor” of our family.   And now two years later, I wonder if I understand why.  

 There are people in my life who mean a lot to me.  And yet, life conspires against me.  Giving me hurdles most people my age never face, responsibilities that I can’t quite love or hate, and a lack of proper tools or even funds for the job.  I have to believe in the promise of growth.  And sometimes the world just seems too big.

So here I stand, armed with bubblegum and a stick pin to try to solve my world’s problems, to be the best soul I can be and somehow, to step outside that box and make a difference.   Will anyone ever know.

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Categories: Random Thoughts
  1. January 5, 2010 at 7:16 am

    These are always hard times in the Reminiscing Department. I never knew my paternal grandparents ’cause they died when my dad was only a child and I was never really close with my moms parents. Always envied the wonderful relationship most of my friends had or still have with their grandparents. For me, this Christmas was anything but Merry, since Dad passed away in Sept. ’08, and I miss him greatly.

    Armed with bubblegum and a stick pin? You’re a regular MacGyver! 😀

    And yes, I bet many will know. And if not, at least the Cosmic Engineer will. 🙂

    • January 5, 2010 at 12:55 pm

      Haha, you caught me on a doubting day. Sometimes I’m too serious! A lot of weight on my heart of late. Thank for your words of encouragement. 🙂

      I was really blessed to grow up in the same town both sets of grandparents lived in. It was an army town where most of my friends’ grandparents were far away, so I was pretty acutely aware of my fortuitous circumstance. I didn’t always get to see them, but my grandfolks gave me a sense of stability, especially when my parents split-up. Cannot imagine what my life would have been like if they hadn’t have been there. Your words make me smile, as for me I always envied the relationships my friends seemed to have with their parents. So sorry for the loss of your father Siegfried; I cannot yet imagine. The vaccuum is hard, but mourning is important too. Still don’t be like my mom who refuses to join family for Thanksgiving anymore because Grandma’s gone. We didn’t keep Xmas when I was a kid; Thanksgiving was our main family time. New memories will not create themselves. I hope you’ll come to repurpose these times with new life and meaning.

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