New Year’s Journal…
It’s 2010 today and I find myself wistful and thinking of loved ones lost. My heart is heavy and I feel older than I should.
Pulling popcorn from the microwave, I can’t help but think of Grandma Leona and Grandpa Jack. And my still living Grandma Dorothy, whom I have not been able to see in over a year. There is wisdom I’d seek of her, yet I wonder if it would be fair. It’s a different world with different issues today. People are not the same. Things are more complex. I believe we are better for it, but it does not make it simple.
The weight of the world hurts right now, and crunchy, buttery goodness is hardly a salve. But hubby is out looking to bring something home and I need something to settle these worrisome butterflies on an empty stomach for now.
Grandpa Chester was afraid to die, unsure of the after-life, and died of pancreatic cancer at 76. He was the first close loved one I lost. Whereas Grandpa Jack spent half his 88 years preparing to die. His father died in his forties and he figured he too would not live much past that age. It never seemed to me that he worried much about my dad and uncles. He was serious and critical, but I think that’s how Grandpa saw life after losing his parents at a young age. Grandma Leona also died of cancers at age 76. She was so worried to die before my mother, another cancer “survivor” of our family. And now two years later, I wonder if I understand why.
There are people in my life who mean a lot to me. And yet, life conspires against me. Giving me hurdles most people my age never face, responsibilities that I can’t quite love or hate, and a lack of proper tools or even funds for the job. I have to believe in the promise of growth. And sometimes the world just seems too big.
So here I stand, armed with bubblegum and a stick pin to try to solve my world’s problems, to be the best soul I can be and somehow, to step outside that box and make a difference. Will anyone ever know.